How core counselling skills can be used in any relationship

Every human being, in the depths of their psychology, and longing for connection, wants to be heard, understood, and validated.

When I started studying counselling skills, I realised that the core skills are not just for professional counsellors; they are designed for universal use.

For example,

Unconditional Positive Regards -

Any human connection, parenting, friendship, partners, etc, must have the quality, unconditional positive regard. Building a relationship is fairly easy, but maintaining and nurturing it is the real challenge.

Unconditional positive regard is accepting someone for who they are, regardless of their gender, religion, or beliefs. It is about believing and valuing the person as a human, not just judging them based on behaviour only.

UPR is important to reduce shame and build trust in a relationship.

Empathy - 

I truly believe you cannot fake empathy for too long. You might act like an empath, but the truth is, it will come out eventually. I don’t know how it is possible to nourish a relationship you admire without empathy.

It is an art of feeling for others’ feelings. This deepens the connection of any relationship.

Empathy is not just saying, ‘’I am sorry for your loss’’, instead it can be something like, ‘’I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to deal with it alone’’.

Congruence - 

Congruence is simply described as genuineness. Why is congruence important? Because it helps us to understand others better and become a better version of ourselves.

Sometimes the genuineness may come across as sounding rude. This is why showing it with manners and empathy is very important.

For example, a friend might notice that the dress I am wearing is not perfectly fitted, and she says the dress looks bad on me. Instead of this, she might say, "Your dress is beautiful, and if the fit were more accurate, that would make you feel more comfortable while wearing it.’’

Active Listening - 

Active listening is a genuine sign of one’s interest. When someone just says, ‘’I like you,’’ that sounds sweet. But when someone remembers what made you smile months ago, or who was your favourite singer in your high school, that is called actually listening. Because mostly we remember the things we pay attention to.

While opening up about feelings, when we pay attention to someone, their feelings, gestures, etc, that is a solid way to build trust, making others feel valued. This eventually reduces the possibilities of conflicts.

Question and Silence - 

While listening actively, questioning and silence are equally important. These two help to maintain healthy boundaries and create space for the helpee to reflect and process.

A question reduces confusion and shows interest that the listener is actually present in the conversation. At the same time, silence signals patience for answers and creates necessary space for others.

I read somewhere that we only stay silent just to answer back. This can be positive and negative depending on the situation.

If we are in a meeting where answering the questions is mandatory for the sake of progressing fast, that’s ok.

But when we are building a connection with someone, which we want to be meaningful, then we have to learn how to ask and stay quiet.

Being a student of mental health counselling is teaching me a lot. When I am working on my workbooks to research and submit assessments, I am always trying to implement the knowledge I am gathering from the studies in my day-to-day life.

Whether it’s in my parenting or at work as an interpreter, I am mostly keeping the core skills of counselling in the open tab of my brain. These skills are not just my study material anymore; they are helping me every day to understand life better.

Why Parents and Teachers Should Study Counselling

A child’s first school is their parents/guardians, who are the primary caregiver. And the first reliable educator is their teacher.

Counselling is simply a helping activity that everyone needs. Since a child doesn’t know much about their emotional needs, it is our duty to be the curator of that.

From what I have understood so far, a human needs food, clothing, shelter, education, and treatment as basic necessities to stay alive. However, staying alive doesn’t guarantee becoming a sensible being.

Any new or experienced parents and teachers should seriously consider getting educated by sincerely studying counselling, which can be a book or two, or some free online resources.

I have seen children lose the connection with their parents after growing up because the parents were not regulating their own emotions and unknowingly burdening the children. 

As a result of this vicious cycle, parents are complaining about the children for being ungrateful and cruel. It is heart-breaking to watch as a mother.

To be honest, I strongly believe it is the parents who cannot build a meaningful connection with their children most of the time. Because they were also never taught how to do so. And the pattern repeats. 

Yes, they provided the basic needs like food, shelter, etc., but once the child manages to provide those on their own, there is nothing left for them to feel connected. And parenting is not about just providing the necessities for living.

I understand that those parents don't always know that they are being harmful by not trying to create an emotionally safe space for children. That’s how they were raised, it is a generational cycle.

But just because something has been happening for generations doesn’t mean they are right or wrong universally.

The connection with a teacher and a child, especially in their early age, is the second most important connection in a human life.

Now in my 30s, I still remember a few of my teachers as a great source of motivation. Specifically, a Bengali language and literature teacher in 9th grade.

She gave the class a common topic to write an essay on, which I cannot remember now. But I do remember that she told the whole class that we all did so well and she was proud of us. Out of nowhere, she mentioned my name and said, ‘’I wanted to mention your essay because it was so unique and magnetic! Is it okay if I read it here for everybody?’’

I was feeling very shy as an introvert when I said okay. She read the essay for the class and praised a bit more, then requested if she could keep the essay for her personal collection!

I said yes again without knowing how else to react.

This incident motivated me to keep on writing later on in life. Till 2018, I wrote online and gained a bit of fame as a writer, before falling into a long writer’s block due to circumstances.

Since counselling is built on empathy, unconditional positive regard and congruence, my teacher fulfilled all these criteria without even realising.

Parents and teachers are basically raising the future of this world. Raising responsible humans is kind of their superpower.

I was watching with my daughter a movie called The Freedom Writers, based on true stories. What an amazing watch it was! A perfect example of how the core counselling skills are portrayed there.

A strong bonding between parents and children or teachers and children can help the next generation to build empathy, confidence and sensibility in their characteristics.

I see people praising high-IQ people and worshipping them! But what's the point of having a high IQ when there is no empathy there?  

I honestly believe it is high time to focus on our children’s mental well-being alongside their physical well-being. 

What’s the point of raising a physically strong generation without being emotionally nurtured? Which will bring more chaos to the world than good. What makes us human is our emotional intelligence. Otherwise, we are just shells without souls.

Core skills of counselling

Counselling is an act of helping that can occur in non-professional or professional settings.

Even though we use the skills of counselling every day, we usually don’t think about why or how our words, gestures, and tone of voice help others.

But, when in a professional setting, the helper (who is the counsellor) knows exactly how to approach in order to help the client. And to do that, they follow the core counselling skills, such as;

Unconditional Positive Regards (UPR):

While completing my Level 2 Counselling Skills course with the West London College, I have come to the conclusion that unconditional positive regard is THE most primary element in counselling. In any helping relationship, the presence of real care, regardless of all differences, works like the fuel in the car.

Congruence:

Counselling sessions usually last from 45 to 60 minutes. In this limited time, a client must feel the vibe of genuineness from the counsellor in order to aim for a successful result. This is congruence. Just like the UPR, it is one of the basic foundations of building a counselling relationship.

Empathy:

As a self-taught artist who loves to draw with ink and paper most of the time, I can call the UPR the paper, the pen is the congruence, and empathy is the ink in a counselling relationship!

All three need to work together at the same time for it to create a beautiful piece.

Silence:

I read somewhere that most people listen just to talk! Which I am too guilty of sometimes. As a counsellor, the client is the main focus; they need to have the space and opportunity to open up without being interrupted.

Active Listening:

Silence and active listening go hand in hand in a counselling relationship. Repeating keywords or reflecting on the parts of the stories ensures the client that the counsellor is here to actually listen.

Questioning:

With active listening comes good questioning. Asking important questions should be considered a talent, I believe. Open-ended questions help the client reflect on their thoughts more. It shows interest and care towards the client’s story as well.

Paraphrasing:

During or after the questioning, the counsellor can paraphrase and repeat the key phrases to the client. This shows that the counsellor is genuinely on the same page with the client. And sometimes, paraphrasing can open doors to different perspectives.

Summarising:

As a result of various sessions,  the sum of all the key points can be combined and discussed. This summarising process shows that the client is actually heard and understood attentively.

Overall, whether a counsellor or not, these skills are useful in any helping relationship, which can be with the partner, children, friends and so on. Because these skills not only help to grow but also create a meaningful connection.